Squeezy the Cheeks, undisputed leader of the long ruling North Wood crew, is facing the toughest challenge of his career: his archnemesis Harry the Rash, who rules the Poopypants Gang with an iron rattle, is making a play for Squeezy's territory. Mama's Boy, the freshest recruit into Squeezy's mob of infant thugs, is unwittingly thrust into the middle of the massive heist Squeezy must pull off to keep himself and his crew in their seat of power. Everything is at stake for the North Wood Gang. But can Mama's Boy keep it together to make the score, or will the mysterious redhead he encounters at Story Time distract him at his most important hour?

Little Trouble in Tall Tree

Beneath the peaceful exterior of the leafy town of Tall Tree, the brutal baby gangster underworld is simmering to a hard boil. Squeezy the Cheeks, undisputed leader of the long ruling North Wood crew, is facing the toughest challenge of his career: his archnemesis Harry the Rash, who rules the Poopypants Gang with an iron rattle, is making a play for Squeezy’s territory. Mama’s Boy, the freshest recruit into Squeezy’s mob of infant thugs, is unwittingly thrust into the middle of the massive heist Squeezy must pull off to keep himself and his crew in their seat of power. Everything is at stake for the North Wood Gang. But can Mama’s Boy keep it together to make the score, or will the mysterious redhead he encounters at Story Time distract him at his most important hour? Join Mama’s Boy as he journeys into the dark underbelly of the baby hoodlum wars and is forced to change his worldview forever.

BUY ON AMAZON

The Agony and the Epic Doody

Squeezy the Cheeks was the most volatile and wily baby gangster in the entire North Wood section of Tall Tree. I had joined his crew in the great Zero Day colostrum caper. That felt like an eternity ago. On days like today, my job was basically to hang around and wait for him to throw up.

“Everything is different nowadays.” He swiveled his chair and raised his chin toward the corner of the room...

COMING SOON

Meet the Cast

Mama’s Boy

Fresh out and just recently selected by Squeezy as the newest member of the North Wood Gang, Mama's Boy is coming up to speed on the unpredictable life of infant hoodlums. Highly impressionable, uncertain of himself, and perhaps too often distracted by a powerful penchant for redheads, Mama's Boy is determined to follow the focused path of the yogic baby gangster monk. If only food, ladies, and the latest North Gang adventure didn't prove so exciting at every turn! But when things get out of hand, watch out: Mama's Boy is prone to going absolutely berserk.

Squeezy the Cheeks

Venerable and undisputed leader of the North Wood Gang. A legend in the nefarious baby underworld, Squeezy is a criminal mastermind who is perhaps as famous for his dynastic monologuing, imperial appetite, and volcanic temper as he is for the derring-do of his crew's exploits. But is Squeezy's mind the supple paradise of felonious genius that everyone believes, or is he perhaps occasionally lost in his own meandering philosophical apple sauce?

Mackenzie the Ninja Spit

A sly and silent crook, with at least a strongly implied if perhaps unproven reputation as a lethal assassin, Mackenzie can be right in front of you without your noticing. Sometimes the only evidence that she has been around is a long and viscous trail of her drool.

Maggie the Moll

Your classic brazen baby gangster moll. Wise, wise-cracking, and widely feared, Maggie's outlook and demeanor were hardened by spending the first two weeks of her life amid the rat-a-tat squalor of East Tall Tree before her family relocated to the North Wood. Just about everybody believes that Maggie is Squeezy's the Cheeks's special lady, but just about nobody is willing even to whisper it.

Sammy the Whine

A veteran with deep knowledge of Santa Infanta County's baby gangland history, Sammy is also the sorest loser and losingest baby card shark in Tall Tree. He is most famous for his decibel-defying siren shriek. When he gets going, he makes a five alarm fire sound like a Dream Sheep.

Soggy the Load

Squeezy’s button man. The second most feared baby in North Wood after his older brother Baggy the Load. Soggy may not be the brightest bulb, but he is reliable in a fight and a deft hand for the gang's front-door wetwork. Soggy will do whatever Squeezy tells him with vigor, and that usually means taking out the trash.

Baggy the Load

North Wood Gang veteran who still does odd enforcer jobs for the Cheeks when his younger brother Soggy has too much on his plate. Baggy is probably the one baby in North Wood with whom even Squeezy wouldn't want to mess. Baggy has been around a long time -- long enough to recall the Hummus War in detail -- and knows not only how to get his way but also where the gang's, and Squeezy's, secrets lie hidden.

Jamie the Phlegm

A blue-blood, east coast transplant slumming it in gang life while awaiting his inevitably successful future on the right side of the law, Jamie has all the breaks: he's tall, blonde, and good looking. The girls swoon, not least of all Daisy, which drives Mama's Boy to distraction.

Daisy the Charm

A classy 26 incher if you've ever seen one, Daisy is new in town and cheerily making friends. She has a flame of red hair that catches Mama Boy's attention one day at Story Time and then mesmerizes him to distraction. Smart, sassy, and apparently getting bothered by the unwelcome advances of an unknown member of the baby gangster underworld, Daisy keeps popping up around town asking for Mama Boy's help, which he would be only too happy to give if he could untie his tongue.

Harry the Rash

Perhaps Squeezy's most fearsome rival. Harry the Rash leads the Poopypants gang, which rules the South Wood section of Tall Tree. The Rash has pushed out the other local bosses with an unrelenting brand of intimidation and violence. Now the word is he is gearing up to challenge Squeezy's territory.

Michael Fertik has a day job in Silicon Valley. Everything was going along smoothly until the day his wife gave birth to their first child, a son, in 2011. From then on, Michael was smitten. Smitten first with his son, to be sure. But second, Michael found himself smitten with his son’s enormous, round cheeks. Watching the boy navigate the world, responding to his commands for milk, toys, and apple sauce, and observing the baby’s capacity for an imperious eye and flashes of temper when things didn’t go his way, Michael soon realized that the child could well be the leader of a secret baby underworld gang in search of control over the key commodities of infant life. So he started calling his son Squeezy the Cheeks and made up stories about his gang. Baby Noir was born. When Michael shared some of the Baby Noir stories with friends, they confessed that their kids were noirish infant desperadoes, too, recklessly and relentlessly intriguing and bruising their way toward dominance over the household trade in baby formula, milk bottles, blankets, and more. Some of those kids have made their way into the stories as characters. After discussion with family, Michael decided to publish so that he could share the tales with moms and dads of other infant gangsters around the world. Pretty much every parent has a child who is a baby gangster, Michael has realized, with squeezable cheeks or noses or feet, and always on a desperate and determined mission for the milk.

Michael lives with his wife and son in Palo Alto, California. He continues to squeeze his son’s enormous cheeks every day.

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